Mowing for Joy

I completed the first mowing of the season this week, breath held in trepidation. My mowing style involves some tractor abuse, some would say, but I say it’s a matter of faith. I have faith in my tractor. I don’t like to lose my momentum by getting off to carry every downed branch into the woods; move every rock muscled up by thaw. Mostly I just mow over them, hoping for the best, teeth clenched, eyes squinted in empathy and mostly stuff I mow over breaks up. With repeated attacks in April all winter debris will have turned to mulch and gone flying by May. But in the interlude until we’re settled into a seasonal groove I worry about the spindles, the blades, the belts. I worry but I give no quarter.

I have tremendous faith in John Deere. My little 265 is 23 years old and has had a hard life. Several non-Deere salesmen over the years have tried to convince me that my tractor was over the hill.

One guy slyly offered to relieve me of it for $500.

Another salesman explained that I’d be much better off with a Simplicity because they didn’t have so many little parts (meaning parts that could be replaced for under $15.00) but that with Simplicity whole sections were all-of-a-piece (meaning when you needed a tiny repair you’d have to replace about 25% of your tractor.)

Did I really look that stupid? Was it the overalls? Or just my girliness?

Anyway, Johnny and I have been in love for a long time. I do most of the talking but I think maybe he does love me back. What else could 23 years of faithfulness in tough circumstances mean but love? Through thick and through thin, for better or for worse, he’s been there for me. And no matter what aspersions where cast in his direction by low minded people I’ve been staunch; I’ve never given in. I’ve never given up on him.

Once I rolled him but I jumped off in time to avoid death. A friend with a one ton pick-up and a winch hauled him back onto his wheels and patched him up.

Once he needed a short block. Well, who doesn’t. . . eventually?

Together we have experimented with different mowing techniques and how long it takes to execute each one. I will share them with you here in case you’d like to experiment with your own mowing.

There is your basic area mow where you divide the property into units that are then addressed efficiently one at a time. This is one of the speedier techniques and no doubt you are familiar with it but it has the flaw of being ungodly boring.

I’m fond of the perimeter mow because it is possibly the most efficient and you get to see a lot of scenery go by. Basically you start off mowing all areas as one from the far outside. In the beginning it doesn’t seem like you’re getting much done. It’s like saving a penny one week and then doubling your existing amount every week after that. For awhile all you’ve got is small change. Then bonanza! You do end up with some isolated sections that you have to go over your own path to get to, but that’s a good opportunity to look for skips.

Radiator mow is good for square and trapezoidal areas. You just fly down one side, turn back up into it in 10-30 feet and again at the top until you’ve formed a loopy zigzag through the grass. This is surprisingly fun and I never tire of it since it seems to come out slightly differently every time I do it.

There’s the circular mow where you start in the middle of the lawn and turn around like a dog deciding to lie down. You start with this tight little crop circle of fresh clipped grass in the middle of a sea of dandelions and for this reason I enjoy it most in May. For maximum pleasure you don’t turn on the blades until you are in the middle of the field.

There is the X mow but you end up with small awkward shapes spread far apart so it’s neither efficient nor fun and Johnny and I do not recommend it.

One of our favorites is message to god mow where you drive blades-a-fly while spelling out a word in cursive. You need a pretty big lawn or a tractor with a very tight turning radius to do this well and it’s not efficient. But if you count added value for mowing pleasure, and we do, this is by far the most fun. If a small plane happens by you might even get a wing wave. We have.

Finally there is crazy mow which is very inefficient time-wise but can be magically cathartic for those times when nothing in your life makes sense. This is where you just mow, with no pattern or agenda. You fly around trees, make a beeline to the blue bird house where you mow a square with a lot of fussy backing up and switching on and off of blades, you chase squirrels and cats which can be amusing if you’re in the right mood though, of course, you never get near them, maybe you mow backward for ten minutes or so, anything you feel like doing. Afterward you mop up. It looks quite crazy to observers, and if you live in suburbia, this will attract some, but it is the very pinnacle of self expression in mowing. If you’re having a bad day, the grass is up and it’s not raining, try it. It could save you months of psychotherapy.

That’s all the news from the front porch today.